Notable Indiscretion
by Ithilwen K-Bane
Summary: This time, Lucifer takes steps to avoid being disturbed when he brings Chloe dinner. Without Jana to mess things up, what could possibly go wrong, especially in the age of the Internet? Alternate beginning to 2X11 "Stewardess Interruptus"
1. Chapter 1

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"Soooooo?" Ella's voice pitched up like a cat peering over a tabletop as she lifted the crime scene tape. "Have any good clean fun last night?"

Chloe's voice dropped as she ducked under. "Why is everyone around here acting like something happened between me and Lucifer?"

"Aw Decker, you can't fool the Ella. And I've had a workplace romance or two of my own," she said against her hand. "The trick is to play it _completely_ cool at least until lunch, then shoot him a smile when you think no one else is looking. Maximum chances of repeat performance."

Chloe's neck tensed. "There's nothing to repeat. He brought me burgers and fries."

"Yes," Ella leaned into the word, "but did you stop to eat them?"

"Well I—" Decker felt her heart pound in her forehead. "I mean I had Trixie waiting at home so— What am I saying? What happened isn't—" she checked. "What _did or didn't happen_ isn't your business."

Ella put up both hands. "Fair enough. Anyway, we got a dead body that should take everyone's mind off things. Poor gal..."

"Wait, 'everyone'? How many is everyone?" Chloe asked as Ella heard footfalls behind her.

"Oop, can't talk now. Corpse downstairs, see ya!" Ella pushed Chloe toward the stairwell and turned around just in time to see Lucifer wave hello to the uniforms.

"Was that the Detective?" he asked.

"Still calling her 'Detective' at work," Ella nodded. "Discreet."

Lucifer turned his chin. "Ms. Lopez, every man at this crime scene has either laughed behind his hand or tried to high five me, and it begins to seem you know why."

Ella looked from Lucifer to where Chloe had gone and raised an eyebrow.

"Cunningly put," said Lucifer, "but how did _they_ know about it? I won't say I always know better than to redefine the orgasm and tell but most of my lovers don't wear a Smith and Wesson to work."

"Wait," Ella's face cleared. "You mean i_you're_/i not the one who—"

"Morning, Ella," said Detective Espinoza. And was his pre-coffee glower a little darker than usual? "Lucifer."

"Douche."

Espinoza stopped mid-step, turning halfway around. "If it's like that," he muttered, then in a louder voice, "Go on any fun _journeys_, Lucy?"

Lucifer narrowed his eyes. "The Detective is waiting for me," he said at last.

"You're right," said Daniel. He paused. "Give her your undivided attention."

Lucifer frowned, then shook his head and followed Chloe down the stairs.

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"Her name's Jana," Lucifer said quietly from where he crouched next to the body. "She was a flight attendant."

"You knew her?" asked Chloe.

"Yes," Lucifer breathed out. "Yes, she's one of my—"

"All right," said Chloe. "When was the last time you saw her?"

"A few weeks," he answered.

"Well she has last night's Lux stamp on her wrist," said Chloe.

Lucifer turned around. "Detective, I think we both know _I_ have an alibi."

Behind them, Officer Michaels elbowed Officer Tandy in the ribs.

Chloe stepped over and grabbed Lucifer by the sleeve, pulling him over to the wall. "Lucifer," Chloe said under her breath. "_Who did you_ _tell?_ Not that there's anything to—I mean—"

"No one," he said back. "I left instructions at Lux that we were not to be disturbed, but that was all I—" He stopped. "Oh no."

"What is it?"

"Something Daniel said."

Her eyes flared. "Well does it have something to do with why the uniforms are calling me 'Detective Destination'?"

Lucifer blinked.

"Uh," said a voice from the stairwell. Ella walked over. "I think it might be time to explain a few things." Daniel followed, holding back a smirk.

"All right," said Chloe. "I need to know what's going on and I need to know now."

"What, we can't show up and join in?" asked Daniel.

"What did you do, Douche?" asked Lucifer.

"Oh _I_ didn't do anything," said Daniel with half a chuckle.

"He really didn't," said Ella, holding up both hands. With a sigh, she took out her phone. "A picture taken at Lux last night is kind of blowing up on Instagram." She tapped the screen a few times and hit enlarge.

"And Twitter," she passed it to Decker. "And Facebook. Tumblr. Some of the off-brand sites."

Chloe rotated the screen. There was an unfiltered photo of a note, handwritten in precise, old-fashioned cursive, attached to what anyone who'd been to Lux would recognize as the lift to Lucifer's apartment.

The handwriting read:

_Dear fellow adventurers,_

_I apologize if this feels jarring given the long and reciprocally satisfying history of my "show up but join in" policy, but I must ask you to please refrain, at least for now. People like us know everyone has desires, and the person I am with tonight may desire my undivided attention. You and I have gone on such journeys together, and while it may be too soon to be sure, this could be my destination. If you can find it in your heart, please wish me luck._

_-L_

"That part's kind of adorable, actually," muttered Ella.

Chloe glared. Ella shut her mouth.

What Lucifer wrote hadn't been the end of things. On the lower left corner of the page, someone had added in dark red lipstick, "GOOD LUCK, SEX BUDDY!"

Black ballpoint on the other side read, "Everyone goes off the market sometime. Hope it works out, honey!"

Blue sharpie offered, "You won't last two weeks. Gimme a call when it's time to CHEAT!"

At the very bottom, scrawled in pencil, was, "You pompous ass! I hope you like being Internet famous."

Ella pointed, "I figure that last one is who posted it on Instagram."

"Oh do you?" said Chloe.

Daniel sighed. "Honestly? This is not the kind of viral problem I thought Lucifer'd bring to the precinct."

"Espinoza!" snapped Ella.

"Hey," said Daniel. "Maybe you should have said 'PS, do not post on social media.'"

"Do you think that would have helped?"

"No, it just would have been funnier."

"There are four different sets of handwriting on this," said Chloe. "How many women were you planning on having over last night?" she asked.

"_One_," Lucifer insisted. "That's why I needed the note."

The look Chloe shot him could have boiled lead. He hadn't seen that much fire and brimstone since Dante's jaunt downstairs. She looked back at Ella's phone.

"I need the original," she said. "On paper."

"Detective, I don't think that's—"

"It's evidence," she clipped, handing Ella her phone back a little harder than necessary. "Look at the lipstick."

Ella turned the screen sideways, then looked back at Jana. "Oh!" she said. "Yeah, it could be the same shade, but we can't tell through the camera. Our vic could be good-luck-sex-buddy!"

"Yes," murmured Lucifer, "Jana could be lovely like that."

Chloe exhaled and headed toward the stairs. Lucifer started to follow her.

"_No_," she called back.

"But—"

"'At least for now,'" she repeated.

Lucifer's mouth hung open as she walked away.

Daniel slapped him on the back. "Next time, just put a sock on the doorknob."

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drf24


	2. Chapter 2

A willowy apparition in couture nearly bumped Chloe's arm as she flowed down the hall, paperwork in hand.

Literally dozens. Gorgeous even for L.A. All sporting boobs that looked like they'd never seen the business end of a breastfeeding baby, bellies that probably didn't have a single stretch mark. Not one butt with a Chihuahua-tooth scar.

"Chloe, I've got your—"

"I'm not intimidated!" Chloe answered back. Ella raised an eyebrow. "I mean— I—"

Chloe shut her mouth as Lucifer loped down the stairs, shaking his head. "If I'd known everyone would find out about that note, I would never have been so sentimental." He adjusted his suit jacket. "This is worse than when everyone kept calling me 'Tahani.'"

Ella tsked. "You're clearly an Eleanor."

Lucifer's hand went to his collarbone. "Thank you, Janet."

Ella held up a piece of paper covered in plastic. "Checked for prints, particulates, lipstick and ready for your bag of interview tricks," she said, tipping it toward Chloe. It had gotten more comments since the mystery ex had taken the picture. Two more "Good lucks," one "You asshole," and one "Do that thing with the artisan honey, she'll love it!"

Lucifer craned his neck to see down the hall. "Maria, hello!" Lucifer waved.

"Hi, Lucifer!"

"Jeannine, how did the job interview work out?"

"I decided against offering my new boss a hand job like you suggested, but I got the position and it's going great!"

"See? You just had to relax and _not_ get a good night's sleep—"

Chloe yanked Lucifer away by one arm. "Catch up on your own time. Go watch with Daniel." Chloe looked through the overflowing hallway and rubbed her forehead. "I am so glad we didn't really have sex."

"Detective," Lucifer rounded, "if that wasn't sex—"

She punched him hard above the elbow as a uniform walked by.

He rubbed his arm. "If that wasn't sex," he repeated in a much lower voice, "then some of these women may be entitled to leave."

Chloe straightened. "So you didn't..?"

"I certainly did. I merely don't share your procreation-forward definition of the term." He smiled, "But believe me, Detective, if you think anything about last night was half-done, I'm more than willing to rectify—"

This time, he backed up before she could punch him again. "Careful. That could count as domestic abuse now."

Chloe's lower eyelid twitched and she walked off toward Interview 3.

"But you told me to read up on common legal matters!" he called after her.

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"So you had sex with Lucifer," Chloe swallowed a sourness in her mouth, "and the next day he was with another woman. He used you for sex—" she kept her throat working "—and then moved on."

"I guess you could say that..." trailed Jeannine Marsden, 28. "But that's kind of why I was there?"

"I knew this was a one-night stand going in," Harmony Verve, 26.

Raymond Epstein, 29, held up both hands. "He flat-out _said_ if I wanted a boyfriend then I shouldn't have sex with him."

"There was no pretending, no bullshit," Hannah Murphy, 31. "The only thing on offer was the best night of my life."

"The best night of my life," Amanda Simmons, 25.

"The best night of my _life_."

"_The_ best night of my life."

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Lucifer allowed himself a smile. Satisfying his lovers was a point of pride, and he was all about pride. But had it been the best night of Chloe's life? Not knowing her desires had been infuriating. He'd had to ask, to watch her face, pay constant attention. It should have been exhausting, but the way she'd answer him...

_"Is this all right?"_ he'd whispered against her mouth after that first soft kiss. She'd run a finger over his lower lip and kissed him again.

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"He was down for whatever I wanted," said Jeannine.

"When I said I wasn't into something, he didn't even try to change my mind—i_zero_/i whining," said Amanda.

Hannah rolled her eyes. "_How_ many times do you tell a guy 'absolutely fucking not' and he thinks that means 'ask me again in two minutes'? There was _none_ of that."

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"How common is that?" Lucifer asked Daniel.

"Why do you think I know?" the detective answered.

Lucifer shook his head. He'd heard most men were mannerless boors in bed, but he hadn't realized it was that prevalent. Was that why Chloe had been so tentative?

_"I only stopped antibiotics last week,"_ as if she'd expected him to argue, _"and it can mess with birth control so—"_ but Lucifer was already trailing a finger down her arms.

_"You don't need an excuse,"_ he'd said. _"As much as you want from me. Or as little,"_ and then, confusion moving through him like an unfamiliar tide, _"I think I'd be..."_

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"Did he ever say anything like..." Chloe's voice dropped her voice to a mutter, "'I think I'd be glad just to hold you'?"

"Uuuuuuuuuuuh no," said Jeannine.

"What? Nothing like that," said Raymond.

"He _very_ specifically did not 'just want to hold me,'" Amanda air-quoted.

"If he'd said that, I would have left," said Hannah.

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Lucifer held up a hand, "Believe me, Daniel, I was as surprised as you are." He looked back through the glass. "Chloe Decker, what did you _do_ to me?"

Well he knew what she'd done to him, but that had been later.

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"I wouldn't hurt anyone over _him_," said Amanda. "It was just sex."

"Emotionally meaningless."

"It was meaningless."

"Meaningless."

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Daniel gave Lucifer a slow slap on the back. "That can't be fun to hear," he said.

"No..." Lucifer said, holding up one finger as he watched Chloe and Amanda, "I think I may know what they're talking about."

Daniel frowned as Ella entered the room with a sheaf of paper. "Hey, I've got the—oh," she stopped and went quiet as she saw Chloe still closing the interview. "Sorry," she said in a loud whisper.

Lucifer was still staring at Chloe. "Why was it so _different?_"

"Okay, no," Daniel clipped. "Get that look off your face. You and I are not having this conversation."

Daniel's voice faded to nothing as Lucifer watched Chloe dismiss Amanda. Jeannine, Raymond, Harmony, Hannah. All unique, all radiant with earthly freedom. But none of them had done what she'd done for him. None of them had that tremor in her voice under oath, straining against temptation, knowing each breath in his defense would cost her a scaldingly earned revenge.

She'd shown him her strength, and he couldn't unsee it, not when he'd leaned back to draw her weight on top of him, not when she'd pulled off his shirt, not when he'd watched her so closely to see where she liked his hands. It had been in every touch, every sound from her throat, all pulling him into her like gravity.

"As if it wasn't the same kind of thing at all," he murmured.

"Seriously, man. I mean it," said Daniel.

"Wait," Ella slapped her papers down on the table, snapping Lucifer out of his reverie. "_You've never been in love before._"

"What?" Lucifer blinked. "Yes I have! Sometimes four times a night."

"_Our little Lucy's growing up!_" she hugged him low and hard around the waist.

"Let go of me!"

Ella reached on tiptoe and turned his chin toward her. "Haven't you wondered why some people _only_ have sex when they're in a relationship?"

"Guys, the interview—"

"You heard Amanda. The men need better technique."

"_No_," said Ella, holding both his hands in front of her. "Well actually yes, but mostly because it's different!"

"We're at work, and this is unprofessional!" Daniel pointed at Lucifer's chest. "If you need an after-school talk about how sex works, _go ask your mother_."

"_How dare you!_" Lucifer's right arm rising in an automatic fist as he stepped toward Daniel, dragging Ella into the air.

"Lucifer, put me down!"

"Thanks for calling me in—" came a voice through the mike.

Lucifer froze, Ella's feet still kicking.

Speak of the Devil's mom.

"What's she doing here?" he and Daniel said at the same time.

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"You took that case just to get me to call Lucifer a liar in court."

"I would never hurt Lucifer. I was trying to prove you weren't worthy of him," she spread her hands. "And I failed. Utterly. You are not what I thought you were."

"What about the other women you don't think are worthy of him? What did you do to them?"

"Nothing," Charlotte leaned forward. "They are inconsequential. Lucifer said it himself in that absurdly mawkish note I caught my interns chortling over by the water cooler—"

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Lucifer smacked a hand over his eyes. Ella hit the floor with a thud.

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"—you are his destination. And I'm glad," she said. "He deserves a woman like you in his life." Her expression changed, becoming concerned. "I must admit, I had expected you'd be less tense now that you've slept with him. He wasn't insufficiently attentive, was he? Because that is not like him."

Chloe choked.

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"Honestly?" said Hannah, "If anyone was going to hurt one of Lucifer's girlfriends, it'd probably be creepy stalker chick."

"There was this girl in the back of the club who'd glare daggers," said Raymond.

"But honestly, I'd expect her to go for whoever this 'destination' gal was from that note this morning."

"So..." Chloe cleared her throat. "You know about the note?"

"Uh, I have Instagram," said Amanda.

"I'm on Wobble."

"I don't live under a rock," said Jeannine.

"Facebook," said Raymond. "My nana's knitting group thinks it's hilarious, by the way."

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"See the idea with Lucifer is you enjoy your night with him and then you _set him free_," sighed Hannah. "If he's quitting hookups, even for a while, that means stalkergirl doesn't get a turn."

Chloe frowned, "But all the note said was for people not to come upstairs right then."

"'Destination'? 'Wish me luck'?" Hannah spun the note around.

"That note is giving off waves of forever energy," said Harmony.

Jeannine smiled, "I hope it works out for him. All I really know about Lucifer is that he's dynamite in the sack, but if he's like most people, he's kept one eye on the clock."

"The guy's making a good decision, you know?" said Ray. "Don't get me wrong, he's got another couple years in him if this chick doesn't pan out, but if you want to meet someone, you gotta start looking while you're still at least a seven and a half."

"No one wants to be that guy who thinks he can still pass for thirty-five," said Amanda. "Lucifer's how old now?"

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"Well it's not like that's not true," said Ella.

"Is that a gray hair?" asked Daniel.

"_Shut up._"

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Chloe closed the last interview and headed back into the hallway. Lucifer was already there, looking gorgeous and annoying.

"Four of those women mentioned some kind of stalker," she muttered without making eye contact. "I got a description and we're going to check Lux's security footage. Meet you there later." She turned to stalk off.

"Detective, where are you going?"

Chloe rounded on him. "Turns out I need to get tested for every STD ever," she dropped to a loud whisper, "even the ones only bees get!"

"What—Oh, the honey!" Lucifer's smile dropped. "Wait, are humans blaming colony collapse on me now?"

"I just might!"

She was halfway to the parking garage before he caught up with her.

"Detective—"

Chloe stopped on her heel, words tangling in her mouth. "I don't understand..." She breathed heavily. She could still feel his hands from the night before, still see her reflection in his eyes. "How you could have all that meaningless sex and then—"

He put a hand on her arm. "It wasn't meaningless for me," he said.

"You're not going to tell me you loved them." The fact that Lucifer seemed to remember each one of these women was unusual, almost good, but did that make her just one more?

"I did not," he answered. "It was about free will. Every one of those people was with me for no reason but their own desires. No one made them do anything they didn't want to do."

There it was again. A clue he didn't know he was giving away, casting it off as casually as his shadow.

Chloe added it to the whiteboard in her head. Victim: Lucifer's real identity. Promiscuity – often a sign of abuse early in life. New development – What had someone _made_ Lucifer do, and was it the same someone who put those scars on his back?

They were very different people. He probably had no idea why she'd rather sit at home reading her daughter a book. The other truth was that they'd both been hit young, hit hard, had their whole lives warped out of control. But her father's killer had been caught, or something close, and whoever had hurt Lucifer had gotten away with it.

If she just told him the truth, that she _knew_, he'd bolt. Back to Lux, back into his metaphor.

"Why are you looking at me like that, Detective?" he asked.

"I'm glad I helped you remember you're free," she said.

His mouth fell open like she'd punched him. "Detective that wasn't—" the words stopped in his mouth. She wondered if it was because they would have been a lie. "It wasn't..."

"Then what was it?" she asked.

She waited. He stared at her, at the sky behind her.

"We'll see if we can identify your stalker," she stopped him. "I'll drive."

He mumbled something under his breath as she slipped into the car. She almost imagined he answered, _"The best night of my life."_

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_drf24_

Turns out there was another chapter in this after all.

_Testosterone Rex_ by Cordelia Fine cites a study of the hookup culture on an Australian college campus. Turns out that women report having an orgasm only about 11% of the time in casual sex. Even men who pride themselves on being able to satisfy a woman follow up with, "Oh, I only mean if she's my girlfriend. If it's some hookup whom I'm never going to see again, then I don't bother."

So Lucifer is a male fantasy, yes, but the show doesn't skimp on him being a female fantasy too. He remembers who all these women are and doesn't realize just how low the bar was set.


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